Christopher James Archer

CHRISTOPHER AND I WOULD LIKE TO SAY A BIG THANKYOU TO ALL OF YOU WHO REGULARLY COME HERE AND LIGHT A
CANDLE. MANY MANY THANKS FRIENDS XXX Special thanks to Dot for keeping Christophers candles burning
xx

Tiny Angel

Tiny Angel rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And see your tender smile.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear....
That I will forget your precious face
Is my one and only fear.
Tiny Angel tell me please,
Why you went away?
You were not here for very long....
Why is it, you couldn't stay?
Tiny Angel shook her head,
"These things I do not know....
But I do know that you love me,
And that I love you so".



MY STORY
My Baby Christopher was a six month gestation baby. He arrived early the week before Christmas of
1978.

He had three sisters at the time but now has five. Joanne, Lisa, Emily, Lucy and Danielle. Ten
nephews and nieces, Grandma and Grandad and Uncles and Aunties.

I think a lot of people have forgotton about little Christopher and he lives on in my heart only, he
was my only son but he was called back to God.

If he can get messages somehow I would like him to know that I think about him a lot and will never
forget the day he arrived and left........

In April 1978 I gave birth to my daughter Emily, she was perfect and beautiful. She is my third
daughter. Whilst in hospital I was told that I was not immune to Rubella, so I was given a
vaccination and told that I must not get pregnant within three months. I remember laughing at that
comment and saying "No Way".

Two months later, you guessed it, I was pregnant! Such a shock but hey, I'm a mum that’s all I
wanted to be, so one more is no problem. Then I remembered about the doctor's warning. I saw a
specialist who checked with the drug company who said that two months is the absolute limit to get
pregnant after the vaccination. I worked out that I got pregnant dead on two months. The specialist
told me that he thought it was a better option to have a abortion. I was around 24 weeks pregnant by
that time. Being very naive and not realising that I had a voice, opinion or rights I just cried
thinking that this is what I have to do. I was heartbroken, I could feel the baby inside me moving
around, how could I let it die? The doctor saw how upset I was and said I could carry on with the
pregnancy if I want to. It was like a reprieve to me and the baby. I was warned that the baby could
be deaf, blind or brain damaged. I would face that when it came, we cant pick and chose a perfect
baby, somebody has to love and care for the imperfect.

Almost a week before christmas at 26 weeks pregnant my waters broke. I didn’t know what it was
really as I had not experience it with the other babies. I called the doctor who came out and he
just told me to "play it by ear, carry on as normal".

I was in the supermarket the same day and bumped into the midwife. When I explained the story to her
she told me that I should be in bed and the waters may just replace themselves. But as a mother of
three children, going to bed was quite impossible. If i had known then what I know now I would have
made sure that I went to bed.

Two nights later as I was in bed I started to gasp for breath and had no energy to stand. My Mum was
staying and she held me while my husband called an ambulance.

At the hospital it was discovered that the placenta had broke away from the wall of the womb which
was causing bleeding. I was being monitored and checked regularly and midwife's listening to my
baby's heartbeat said it was a good strong beat.

I was drifting in and out of consciousness for what seemed like an eternity but was actually thirty
hours. They told me I was in labour but I only had back ache.

On Sunday afternoon 17th December 1978 I was told to push. I felt this feeling of something coming
out of my body, then lay back, turned my head to the door just to see it swinging to. I knew then
that was my baby in the arms of the nurse.

I cant remember feeling anything when I found out that the baby was a boy but he never breathed. I
was numb.

I do remember later the nurse asking me if I wanted to "see it". The biggest mistake I would ever
make in my life was to say no. I only said no because I thought that they would think I was weird. I
was always the person to think what other people would think. Now I wouldn’t give two hoots what
anyone thought.

Now I am so full of regret that I didn’t hold my baby Christopher in my arms and say goodbye. I
would have liked to see what he looked like and have a picture that I could keep in my heart
forever.

I have lately read that these days if your baby is stillborn you can have them for as long as
necessary and take them home even. I wish with all my heart that this had been made possible for
me.

Also, in those days, being young and naive I did not know what a 26 week fetus would look like and
you do not imagine for a minute that it is a perfectly formed little baby.

After that door swung to and my baby was gone I was taken to the new baby ward, I was in a cubicle
on my own but through the partition was a lady with twin boys, I could see through the frosted glass
she was sitting holding her babies and would get visitors cooing and ahhhing. I dont think that it
had sunk in that I wasnt pregnant anymore and my baby was not there.

I remember my Mum coming to see me and i smiled at her happily and said "Its a boy" I was so amazed
the baby was a boy.

I was next to that lady with twins for about three days before I was sent home.

On the day I was leaving the hospital as I walked down the corridor towards the exit, I felt a
pulling back, it was so strong the need to go back but I didnt realise what it was. I got outside
and was made to turn around and look back. Without realising it i was being pulled back, I had
forgotton something important, the pull was so strong. Being the people pleaser I am, I didnt want
to keep my parents waiting so I got in the car and we drove away.

I believe now it was Christopher pulling me back, how I wish I'd have turned back now and ran back
to him.

Because Christopher was born at 26 weeks there would be no funeral. Two weeks later and there would
have been. So that was it. Baby delivered, baby dead, go home and move on. I was told that I had
three lovely children at home. As if that made up for the little boy that didnt make it.

When I got home I was soon back into being Mum and cleaning and cooking. I cried a lot and couldnt
go out sometimes.

A few days after I got home a midwife turned up at the door and breezed in the house asking "Hows
Mum and Baby then"? I had to tell her that there was no baby. She was so apologetic, but it should
never have happened.

When my life was getting back to some sort of normality, I started to wonder what had happened to
Christopher. I wrote to the hospital asking where his body was taken. Someone had told me that they
sometimes put them in the coffin with someone else that had died. If this was the case I wanted to
know where he was. I needed a grave, I needed to visit and be close to him.

The reply came by letter and was the most horrific thing I had ever read. Because Christopher was
born at 26 weeks they didnt class him as being a person. They didnt say for sure what had happened
to him but it was suggested that he was incinerated at the hospital. Makes me very sad just writing
this now. I pictured my baby boy being put in a bag and burned along with amputated limbs and
things removed in operations. This letter was so cold and callous, I was so hurt and angry and even
guilty, why had I let this happen.

The letter hurt so much that i could not follow it up because I didnt want to know anymore horrific
details.

Now I feel like I abandoned Christopher, he called me and I didnt go. I would just like him to know
he wasnt a nothing, he was my only son and I am devastated that I didnt go with my instinct, I didnt
go to my son when he called.

Now on sites like this I read that these days it is quite normal to hold the baby and even take him
or her home for the day. Mums have pictures to frame and graves to visit. Coming on this site makes
my Christopher a person, my son. I see you all call him by his name when all these years if he was
talked about he was "that baby you lost". HE IS CHRISTOPHER JAMES!
So unfair......I feel so angry and so sad thirty years after.. life goes on I know and I went on to
have five daughters total. They are all lovely and I love them all so much, also have ten
grandchildren all lovely too. But one little boy called Christopher who weighed 1lb 9oz will always
be in my heart.
Thank you for listening,,, I have wanted to get that lot out for years. Many thanks.xxxxx